My Storied Past 1: From "Mak Nyah" in Asia to Gay in America

"In July 2006, one evening I was sitting in a car with another man in a public park, in a suburb of Kuala Lumpur. We were just talking, there was nothing sexual going on. This park is known among gay people as a place to hang out. We call it “lost world.” Around 10pm, a police patrol car with two police officers pulled up. I still remember that moment. I thought I was going to die. The officers were both Malay Muslims. They quickly approached the car and grabbed us. ONE officer dragged my companion about six to eight meters away. They pushed us each to opposite sides and quickly grabbed our IDs. They tried to force us to admit that we were doing something wrong so that they would have a reason to bring us back to the police station. I only had one thing in my mind there. I was so frightened. I thought that I am not going to see the morning tomorrow.
The police officers made us stand with our backs to them facing the car and put our hands on the car. We said we did nothing wrong. They said two men inside a car in a public park was already wrong. I said again to them, “We did nothing wrong.” One officer said, “Don’t lie to me. We all know what people are doing in the park at this hour.” I said, “Officer, I don’t know what you had the occasion to catch people doing in the park at this hour but I am telling you the truth.” I was afraid because I knew that if I admitted I was gay I would be in serious trouble. I tried to act regretful, hoping they would have some pity and soften up. I was praying that the officers would believe me."

This anecdotal account is excerpted from a long, unpublished essay written by Dr. Walter Williams, a leading scholar in gay studies. In this extended essay, Williams overviews the insidious influence of Islamic fundamentalism in Malaysia, the country of my birth.

Like the Chinese Malaysian gay man of the above story, I too am of Chinese descent. And like that man, I have always lived in fear. I have lived in fear of my identity--but only for few years, unlike this young man.

Coming out to myself in my late teens, I was at that time hundreds of miles away from home. Then in college, my new home was a touristy island and a place of trade exposed for centuries to cosmopolitan ideas. At times, that island of pristine beaches and stupendous vistas embodied my aspirations, as I fell in love over and over again.

Even later when I was banished to a rural area of obvious Islamic fundamentalism to teach high school, I feared nothing. Respected and beloved by my students of all faiths and creed, iI found solace in my vocation. And I found someone to care for--a father figure, a man of little formal schooling, but of much wisdom.

So how is it that this "Mak Nyah" (Malay derogatory term for transvestites, but also used broadly to apply to homosexuals) ended up in America? When did my fears begin?

That moment of epiphany seemed so distant, so hazy. And yet, Williams's essay prickled my subconscious. It vexed me.

For me, perhaps that moment was seeded by the prim and proper English instructor--a woman who had attended Oxford, a woman whose skirt was always of the polite length--of my undergraduate years. Somehow, I received the assignment of making a speech on the sodomy laws of Malaysia as part of the coursework in the Speech class. I resisted, she insisted. Such is the irony of life.

I do not remember the exact parameters of my fifteen-minute talk, but surely I must have covered some highlights of the said laws, and here I quote from Williams's essay again:

"In Malaysia’s Penal Code, Section 377, the sentence for conviction of sodomy is flogging, plus up to twenty years in prison. Victims are flogged with a section of bamboo that is split into several strips. When bamboo is split it has extremely sharp edges, which slice the skin like knives. Flogging is quite bloody, and leaves permanent scars. In addition to Section 337, just to prevent any homosexual from escaping conviction, Section 337A provides for a male to receive up to two years in prison for any act of “gross indecency with another male person.” This vague wording allows prosecution for any kind of erotic interaction between two males. This law is explicitly applied only to homosexual behavior among males, but lesbians also suffer discrimination."

I thought little of these laws--a young man caught up in the frenzy of tests, quizzes, and paper writing could scarcely have time to mull over such heady stuff. But such thoughts must have remain in my subconscious, and like what Thomas Jefferson said, they came back like "a fire bell in the night," filling "me with terror." They came back one unexpected day.

Homosexuality, Fundamentalism, and Identity: "Save Me" (Film Review)

Like many other gay men, I have had a troubled relationship with organized religion. I grew up in a Buddhist family, attended Jesuit schools, and considered entering the seminary. Then for many years, I consciously divorced myself from religion of any kind. I chose the path of atheism. It is only in recent years that I returned to Christianity, and found a comfortable "place" in a gay-friendly local Episcopal church.

So when I saw this film on the shelves of a Blockbuster store, I hesitated. I hesitated not because I fear the subject matter per se, but because I feared the evocations of the past. I feared the haunting specter of guilt. It is a guilt born out of deception, deceit, and disparagement.

Like some gay men, I used religion to mask my insecurities, to hide my identity. Subconsciously, I rationalized Christ (or Buddha at other times in my life) loved me in spite of who I am, rather than for who I am. I found solace in religion, but in a deceptive, misleading way. It is only in recent years that I finally realized that God has always been within myself, and that his Grace is within my reach. And my gayness is a blessing, hardly a curse.

This film, "Save Me" (2007, 96 mins.), reminds me of my personal journey of finding God and His meaning in my life. Filmed in New Mexico, which lends itself to sweeping vistas of open spaces and skies--evoking thus God's omnipresence and omnipotence--"Save Me" pivots around the life of Mark (played admirably by Chad Allen, who is an openly gay actor), a sex and drug addict. His brother, at the end of his wits, checks Mark into a low-key Christian retreat run by Gayle (Judith Light) and Ted (Steven Lang). The retreat's sole mission is to use spiritual guidance to cure its residents of their "gay disease." Brainwashing is far from its means, and in that respect, its mission is no different from other similar Christian centers devoted to the same mission.

Mark, predictably, struggles to fit into the retreat's modus operandi. Along the way, he befriends Scott (Robert Gant of Queer as Folk series fame) and soon, their relationship blossoms. And soon enough, they both have to confront their true identities. And interestingly enough, so does Gayle.

What this movie does well is its balanced, even handed treatment of both the residents and their guardians. It takes a sympathetic look at both sides of the divide. It never seeks to demonize any one side. Instead, it seeks to find a possible reconciliation between homosexuality and Christianity.

For a low-budget, art house type of movie, this production, filmed entirely within just two weeks, is a winner. Anchored by subtle acting on the part of all the major characters, the movie is moving, without being mushy or sentimental.

Repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Will Lead to Gay Marriages?

Image courtesy of http://diocuore.blogtownhall.com/2008/08/08/openly_homosexual_marines.thtml

Recently Religious Right organizations and other right-wing groups are making noise that President Obama will not only repeal the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy for the armed services, but also, that any such repeal will be a "back door" to gay marriages. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me.

For one thing, as one conservative gay journalist (yes, they do exist!) cum former marine cum former porn star (ok, your head might spin at this point) argues that the rank and file do not care about the "gay issue." It has no bearings on the morale or discipline within the services. Click here to read his arguments, which unfortunately, were forwarded to argue against repealing the existing policy. At least, he and I agree on the supporting premises, if not the conclusion!

Now consider the logic of repealing such a policy leading to the sanctioning and legalizing of gay marriages. Repealing such a policy requires an executive order that the president issues. But legalizing gay marriages requires at least the assent of the jurisprudence, as we have seen in recent years in Connecticut, Massachusetts, and California. And it probably will demand a nationwide law in place such as those in countries as diverse as Spain, Mexico, and Canada that have embraced gay marriage or variations of it. Such a law has to pass in the US Congress.

So how can repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" lead to gay marriages? Perhaps the only impact such a repeal can have on the second hot button issue is in galvanizing support for gay marriages. But even then, trends in polling show that Americans are more and more against this military policy but still fairly stable in their opposition to gay marriages. So it is unlikely that Americans will be persuaded to see the ending of this policy as endorsement for gay marriages. I think Americans on the whole can see this military policy as unwise, irrational, and even downright silly but still balk at endorsing gay marriages. For one thing, the current policy undermines our readiness and sends the wrong signal to many of our allies that already accepted gays into the military whereas gay marriage is seen by many Americans as far more muddled since it has been demonized as the antithesis of the Judeo-Christian paradigm of the nuclear family.

Intolerance: It's the Good Word

Do you believe in teaching intolerance to your kids? If so, read this article here about a controversy this week about the "No Name Calling Week" in public schools across the nation from January 26-30.

Apparently, some parents and conservative organizations believe Armageddon has arrived because schools during this week will be teaching certain adolescent books that feature gay characters. They call it propaganda rather than tolerance. they call it filth.

I say to them: Let your children get to know these characters. After all, these are only fictional characters; they don't exist in your version of the real world. Inside your gated community of palatial mansions and BMWs, gays apparently are incognito. And gays will never drop by at your church (well, except those who live in the land of Dorothy). At the same time, go on and teach your kids what you'd like to teach at home, including your own interpretation of the Bible's stance on homosexuality. For God's sake, give your children just a few "tools--your Bible, the credit cards, and a cell phone--to survive in this secular world. Diversity? That is one buzz word that can only mean the varied types of cultures that you safely watch on TV on special holidays. Besides, who needs diversity, when the maid is already brown or black, and the gardener is already brown or black, and the delivery boy is a "Chink."

The Dilemma of an Ex-Married Gay, Baptist Follower with Six Children

Before anyone thinks this is an imaginative story, let me assure you that I speak from experience--well, sort of. I dated someone who was happily married (perhaps) for the first twenty years of his marriage, having entered into nuptials at the impressionable age of twenty. Along the way, he fathered six children, three girls and three boys. Talk about equations. Then a moment of epiphany developed for him in his early forties. He realized he is gay. And soon divorce arrived.

That was the easy part.

For a newly minted gay man living in New York City that would have been difficult enough. But for a gay man who graduated from Baylor University in Texas (yes, that school), who almost became a Baptist minister, and who went on to raise a family of six, this was hell.

What does a man with a scarring guilt do in this overly "swinging," youth obsessed, still highly single gay community? Do you tell people right away you have six children? Do you tell these twinks and yuppies that nobody knows you are gay? Do you pretend the children do not exist? Or do you just stay at home, alone, every Saturday night and eat popcorn and watch romantic films?

Most gay men tend to run away from such formerly married guys with a train of kids behind them. Did I? No, not initially. But no matter how progressive minded I was, it seems his past haunted our budding relationship. It became a burden. It became shackles.

This was a man unable to throw off the shackles of his internalized homophobia, to the point where no one, save a few platonic girlfriends, knew of his true orientation. Deceit, deception, delusions--these became the raison de'etre of his life. Such is the tragedy of a life mangled by societal demands. And yet it is one that can rise from these demands if he had had the fortitude, the bravado, to see the truth.

After almost ten years of "coming out," does his children and ex-wife know of his true identity? No. And is he a man comfortable in his skin? An emphatic no.